THE BEGINNING

Once upon a time in a far far away kingdom. A kingdom so far that only missionaries and astronauts went there. So far away that no Igbo man lived there yet! It was really that far!

There lived an evil but sesi queen named Lolovita. Queen Lolovita ran the kingdom wth a strong fist, mainly because her Husband, the King was Lazy. A very Lazy King that did nothing all day, except sleep, drink, eat and dance Azonto. He was so lazy that he was once heard saying “wanna grab my robe…too lazy…hold it for me!” “flava in your ear!’

But I digress, this story is not about the lazy King but rather his evil but sesi Queen.

She was so sesi, that people all around the kingdom would stop and stare, men, boys and even women…straight women. She would walk all around the kingdom singing:

I no say I get am
so I no need anybody to tell me…
Say I dey sexy
I dey see you dey check am and I know say you want to test me
You really want to test me

Stop
Wait a minute
I know you want some sugar in it
But the jedi jedi wey go catch you…
E no go finish
Baby make we relate ohhh
You no go dey wait ohhh

Beause you dey waka pass dey take style dey look my behind
You fit craze oh

And indeed some men actually went crazy from just staring at the Queen, which might explain the lazy King..but then I digress again.

The secret to the Queens sesiness was her long hair, hair so long that it made Rapunzel blush, so long that it would literarily finish entering the room a full 6 seconds after the Queen had already entered. But her hair was not real…it was weave.

The finest weave ordered from the not so far away kingdom…Kanekelon. The Kanekelon’s were blessed with long luscious hair, so luscious that it was cut up, bagged and shipped to other kingdoms to sell. The Evil Queen through the power granted to her by her title ran a monopoly on the Kanekelon hair trade business. She ensured that she kept the finest hair for herself and sold the leftovers to her quivering subjects.

All was peaceful in the land of the Lolovita’s, the Queen was the sesiest woman alive thanks to her astounding supply of weave and the King the laziest man alive…it was a match made in Lolovita heaven. It was all good until one day…one sad day…

It was the day that the Kanekelons ran out of hair. In strict economical terms the demand for Kanekelon hair far outweighed the growth supply by the Kanekelon people. And soon people were trying to use all sorts of chemicals to stimulate artificial Kanekelon hair growth but this proved harmful as most of the technology was unproven! Leading to excessive hair damage. The Kanekelon King in order to protect his Kingdom most priced goods ordered a ban on the exportation of Kanekelon hair!

There was great confusion in the land of the Lolovitas….for years they had simply grown their hair long enough to attach weaves…but now the weave supply had gone. And they no longer knew how to grow their own hair…except…

INTRODUCING AFRO

Her name was Oghoghotionmwantiomesiemerijie, but people just called her O…AfrO for short and for very obvious reasons.

Afro because she had the longest biggest name hair in ten kingdoms. She had never worn Kanekolon in her life and because of that her hair had grown huge. It was so big that it caused temporal hairclipses, it was so beautiful that people would stop in the streets and just stare.

The secret to her big hair was lots and lots of oil…coconut oil…palm oil and the oil squeezed from a freshly fried Akara bun all mixed with the yolk of a raw egg. The application of the oils helped ensure her hair glowed and grew even larger. And ancient history has it that the ancestors of the land provided healing through its people’s hair, and because her hair was so large and nobody else carried their hair the spirits of the land all descended on her hair and that was the source of her hairs magical healing powers.

Eventually people from all over the kingdom were coming to not just look at her but to be healed by her hair. The Queen was no longer the center of attraction and this made her furious!

She was definitely no longer the sesiest in the kingdom and her once glowing mane of other people’s hair had all but disappeared. To make matters worse the excessive use of Kanekolon had damaged her hair roots badly. She could no longer grow hair except in patches. In other words “she no fine again.”

The Queen being fully aware of Afro’s healing power, sought it out to heal her hair. But she was so driven with jealousy that she not only wanted the healing powers for herself…she wanted to be the sesiest even if it meant eliminating Afro!

THE KIDNAP

It was a normal night in the Lolovita kingdom when it happened…

4 soldiers, armed to the with their teeth forced themselves into Afro’s home in the middle of the forest. They barged into her room and attempted to tie her up….she tried to fight back…she even whipped her hair back and forth, but her power was nothing for 4 heavily armed men. She was pulled from her home, dragged to a secluded part of the forest, blindfolded and dumped into a deep deep hole and left to die. But not before the Queen had used Afro’s hair to heal her patchy hair.

The Queens hair now glowed in vibrant luscious afro…but she did not like it! She still wanted to have that long flowing  Kanekolon hair that she was used to….the yaki type. So she began experimenting with a new mix herbs and chemicals named relaxers. She started applying them to her hair and soon her hair was yaki straight.

But the relaxers were so violent that they cause the Queen’s hair to break all over and soon her hair was even more patchier than before…

The Queen realizes to her dismay that the only way to maintain her relaxed hair was through the healing powers of Afro…not just once but periodically. The Queen secretly and reluctantly returns to the forest hole where Afro was dumped and brokers a deal with her in exchange for her life.

THE DEAL

In exchange for keeping Afro alive, the Queen would have unfettered access to Afro’s hair healing powers for as long as she wanted.

Afro also loved to read, so she insisted that the Queen bring her a novel during each of her visits…so it was agreed that the Queen would frequently visit Afro in her hole with food and books yelling “Afro let up your hair!”

Upon hearing this…Afro would loosen her hair and almost immediately her hair would puff up and begin to fill the entire hole, until it sprouted at the top. Where the queen was able to climb down the hair to give Afro the novel and bask in Afro’s healing powers. She would wrap herself in Afro’s hair for hours, until her own hair was fully grown and glowing. This was the routine until…

D’ PRINCE THE WANDERING PRINCE

One day a Prince from another random kingdom got completely lost in the forest. He really should not have been lost, but he was too stubborn to ask for directions or admit he was lost. So he wandered around aimlessly until he got exhausted and slumped on a large tree trunk and fell asleep. Snoring loudly in the process and dreaming about pure water and gala when he hears the most beautiful song ever….

If you ask me?
nah who I go ask?
the matter wey we see so…
e tey wey e start?
no be me go talk am.
e heavy for mouth.
If you ask me.
the matter for ground.
nah who I go ask?

The prince was stunned. Who could be singing such a beautiful song in the middle of nowhere. The prince searched and searched but he could not figure out where the song was coming. What was most peculiar was that it seemed to be coming from the ground…under him. Surely the Prince was hallucinating…maybe it was the patch of grass weed he slept on…or maybe it was the mushrooms in the ground…who knows.

He put his hear to the ground and now he could hear the song even much clearer. It was the most mysterious thing. He listened to the ground further to enjoy the song, but then the singing suddenly stops and is replaced with the sound of frantic footsteps.

The prince jumps up from the ground and peers across the forest scape towards the footsteps…he sees a Queen dressed in lavish clothing carrying a book as well as the most horrendous hair-do in 10 kingdoms. The Queen definitely was definitely in need of an extreme hair makeover delivery session.

The prince hides away from the Queen but sees just enough to know that the Queen had approached a dense lock of shrubs. She parts the bushes and screams “Afro let up your hair.”

And suddenly the Queen disappears into the ground … at this point the Prince realizes that he might have had a little bit too much palm wine…a singing voice in the ground, a Queen with a book that disappears in the ground? But nothing prepared him for what happened next. Because in the space of 5 monkeys shitting and slinging their shit into the ground…the Queen had come out of the bushes with the most beautiful and glowing Afro in the world…at least the little world that the Prince was used to. He was astonished but confused.

But not confused enough to forget that he needed the Queen to figure his way out of the forest. So trailing the Queens new glowing pre-relaxed Afro the prince quietly traced his steps out of the forest and into the kingdom.

THE GOODIE BAG AND SELLING POINT

But for nights he could not get the music in the ground out of his head. He wondered who was singing and why the queen was walking around in the woods and how her hair had transformed into a glowing mass of awesomeness.

The prince had to see for himself. So one early morning when everyone in the kingdom was still fast asleep the Prince made his way to the edge of the forest and began retracing his steps to the singing voice. But this time he did not hear a singing voice…it was instead a rap flow like no other:

I kick lyrics so dope that the brothers call ‘em head spinners
I got the tongue that is outdone anyone from the rising
To the setting of the sun or the moon

I consume the room with doom
When I hear the kick of a 808 bass poom
Boom, bam, God, daym
I’m hittin’ so hard you could say it’s a grand, slam, dunk, punks
Get broken off for chunk when they feel the funk

Of the rhythm fresh that I give ‘em
Let it hit ‘em, split ‘em, did it now I’m rid of ‘em, yeah
I put that on my unborn kids
Afro in effect so you know how it is

I rock rough and stuff with my Afro Puffs

He followed the rap sounds and soon found the bush the Queen had disappeared into just days ago. He proceeded to separate the bush with his hands. To his astonishment he saw a big hole in the ground, remembering the words of the Queen and in the most shrillest of voices the Prince yelled out “Afro…let up your hair.”

Instantly, at least almost instantly the rapping stops and the hole is filled with hair, hair so vibrant and tough that it made Rage’s Afro Puffs look like cotton buds. The prince instinctively jumped on the hair and began climbing down to the bottom of the hole. He gets to the bottom and sees the most beautiful booty face in the world. The prince is mesmerized by her beauty and impressed by the neatness of the cave, it is orderly and filled with books, mathematics, physics and chemistry, Lolovita Kingdom History part 1,2 and 3 and the classic How The Kanekelon Lost Their Hair.

Afro is startled, “who are you?” she asks almost stumbling on her own hair.

The prince tells her about the mysterious singing voice in the ground that he heard several days ago and the Queen entering the bushes and her rejuvenated and glowing hair. He also tells her about the song “if you ask me…nah who I go ask?” he wants to know about the matter wey dey for ground.

Afro begins telling the Prince about how she was kidnapped and forced to live in the hole for years. About how the Queen uses her hair’s healing power to keep her own hair young and healthy so that she could apply as much relaxer as possible without damaging it. Finally with tears in her eyes…Afro asked the Prince if he could get her out of the hole.

The Prince was touched by her beauty and the honesty in her voice and greatly felt for her.

But sadly he was not superman…he could not leap tall trees in one bound, he was not faster than a flying mosquito and he was not more powerful than a speeding squirrel…and his Kyrptonite, well he had no kryptonite per se but he was afraid of fighting. He was just a Prince that loved music and books. This plus the fact that the only way out of the hole was someone climbing Afro’s hair made the Afro hole rescue mission impossible…

They were both sad…but the prince promised to return. And he did many times, visiting her and keeping her company careful not to run into the Queen…so he came late at night and left in the morning before the sun had come out.

They talked about books Physics, Lolovita History and did what people their age would do. He showed her his Goodie bag and she showed him her selling point. They fell in love, but their love was limited and trapped in the bowels of the earth!

THE GREAT ESCAPE PLAN … ON PAPER

They say love can make men do crazy things…well it can also make them do smart things…

One day while walking around the kingdom sad to be away from the love of his life. The prince noticed some people braiding hair. It was a twist twist pull action and repeated often enough…a long braid was formed.

So long that when you looked at it, it looked like a piece of rope…a rope?

What if he could braid Afro’s hair? It was magical, so the braids would be strong and her hair was huge so the braid will be long…like a rope. They could even conceal the braid in Afro’s hair until they had braided hair long enough to escape from the hole. All they needed was a single braid.

Brilliant! For the Prince was quite brilliant =D

That night the Prince rushed into the hole, almost forgetting to say Afro let up your hair and almost crashing to the floor of the cave. He was excited…he had an escape plan that did not require super powers. For the next few days, he would go down the hole and braid Afro’s hair. Just one single braid!

It was tough work, but the Prince was determined to make it work, he would use a comb to part the hair and line the twists before looping it around and repeating the process again. Often times he would get shocked in the process from the comb’s static electricity that was created from combing Afro’s hair and other times his fingers bleed from the sheer toughness of Afro’s hair, but he was determined…he would braid in the night till late in the morning over and over again.

Soon after many days of finger bleeding, inadvertent hair shocking…the single braid was complete. It was a long braid, long enough and strong enough to climb and escape the hole. They were both excited, after weeks of imprisonment, they could now escape.

They both agreed to execute their plan the following night when they would both be well rested.

The Prince kissed Afro farewell and began climbing her hair out of the hole, he was excited, so excited that he did not notice a strange figure above him…until…boom!

It was the Queen’s evil face and patchy hair, the prince was so startled that he came tumbling down slamming his head on the floor and passing out from shock plus the impact. Afro knew something was wrong…and could already feel the Queen coming down her hair…she instinctively grabbed a stray piece of metal shard and began to fervently cut out the single braid. But it was too late…the Queen had already seen the rope…I mean braid.

THE SHOCKING TRUTH

Throwing the braid and metal shard down, Afro starred at the hopelessness of her situation. So close to escape, but now so far. The Queen stood in front of her furious with her shadow over the prince, who lay there unconscious.

“How dare you break our deal!” the Queen said furiously, almost popping a nerve.

“I am sorry” Afro responded. “please forgive me and spare the Prince’s life and I will never try to escape again…I promise.”

The Queen is uninterested, instead she searched the cave looking for something…

Afro has no idea what, but then she sees the shine almost instinctively she knows what the Queen is looking for … It’s the metal shard she just used to cut the braid…it now looks more like a weapon…a knife to be precise, the Queen lunges forward to grab it and almost simultaneously, Afro jumps over the Prince to protect him from the impending stab. The Queen grabs the knife over her head and…the strangest thing happens…

The Queen suddenly freezes…trembling all over. Her hair spikes up….even the fake weave…then she winds her hips like a this…Like a that…Like a this…Like a that…and to her right and to her front…with her yansh to the back!

“What is going on?” Afro thinks to herself. Teeth clattering…trembling all over…it must be the Skelewu dance! But why?

“STATIC ELECTRICITY,” Afro yells as the Queen falls to the ground in a frozen heap.

The metal shard must have become charged during the back and forth cutting of her hair, the charge was so much that it literarily shocked the Queen to Skelewu and then death!

Afro now lay over the Prince, holding him. But he was still motionless. She shook him, gave him CPR, slapped him, even kissed him disney style…but still he did not move. He just lay there lifeless.

Afro begins crying…scattering her hair in anguish in acceptance of her inevitable faith and unenviable position. The Queen was dead…but sadly so was the Prince…and worse still she was still trapped in the hole…possibly forever…

She caressed the prince gently with her fingers and then it happened. A spark and then another…the prince shuddered.

Could it be…she placed both hands on his chest and like a defibrillator it shocked the Prince. She repeated it again and again shocking the Prince with her now electrically charged hands. After what seemed like a dozen or so shocks, the Prince suddenly jumped off the ground….alive! And in front of him was Afro in all her beauty…shocking him…

The Prince was alive! They smiled and shared a long kiss….grabbing the now stray piece of braided hair rope in their hands, their path to escape….their path to freedom.

At the end of the day Afro’s hair was truly magical…it killed the Queen and saved the Prince. They both escaped the hole and lived happily ever after…Actually not happily all the time…but most times they were happy, except when the Prince snored or Afro accidentally shocked him in bed…but for the most part they lived happily ever after in Lolovita land!

THE END

PS: Do you know someone that needs N10,000?